Imagine riding a ten‑speed with no access to the pedals or handlebars. You’re going up hills, down hills, hitting curves and traffic, yet somehow you’re balanced and still moving forward. That’s what all that quietness and uncertainty felt like for me. The struggle to do nothing and stay consistent with how God and I started our relationship is how I discovered faith — and that discovery led me to the word surrender.
Faith and surrender felt like a chicken‑or‑egg situation at first. But when I look back on my Foundation theme, I can see the order clearly. It took faith for me to believe God would communicate with me and form a relationship. But it took surrender — letting go of what I had in mind — for God to actually do what He needed to do in my life.
I went to the Bible because I needed a point of reference. I needed to understand why faith mattered so much. Learning that it’s impossible to please God without faith made sense to me — if you come to Him, you have to believe He exists. But even that showed me something deeper: this isn’t mindless faith, like sitting in a chair and assuming it will hold me. Surrender is how I maintain my faith.
So it appears that I’ll have to live in surrender mode, which translates to being uncertain and letting God organically do what he does all the time.
Whew chile.
I’m not saying I can’t do this, but honestly, even knowing what I know right now, surrender feels heavy. I don’t know why but surrender feels like I’m weakening myself in some way. I’m a planner, I like to know what I’m getting into before I actually get into it, and I don’t usually make decisions without understanding every possible outcome. I’m slightly embarrassed because I was all gung-ho for a God change and now I’m like, “Dang God you want me to live in uncertainty on repeat???”
I’m going to do it because I’ve come too far to go back, but this is going to take some work. I find surrender to be a very humbling experience. So this is where I’m starting — learning how to live in surrender without feeling like I’m losing myself. I don’t have it mastered, but I’m willing. And maybe that’s enough for now.
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