I don’t really know where to start. Digging these feelings that I left dormant on purpose is more overwhelming than I anticipated. However, I still find it necessary because I want that part off my life to be whole. I’m walking with God and things hit different for me now. I don’t want to block my blessings or limit our relationship to where I won’t allow him to use me like he wants to because I’m holding onto things I need to let go of.
I’ve carried a lot of things from my past, things that I didn’t even know I was carrying. You know situations are temporary, but trauma lingers sometimes for years or least until they convert into triggers.
Triggers that look like me going off on a co-worker for being a bully because I was bullied. I just went off, not because I thought about my past experiences of being bullied but because the feelings of what being bullied felt like rushed me like Myles Garrett off the defensive line. Truth be told, I’ve never had a problem with popping-off. I still don’t, but I try not to.
I never really belonged to a clique of any kind because I didn’t fit the narrative that others perceived as normal which made me insecure and a people-pleaser at times. With that said I allowed people to conform me to how they saw me. Which felt like I was walking up a steep hill with 100lbs strapped to my back with a mask on, because it wasn’t me. Years of insecurity stemmed from that and then someone asked me…
Joi what do you think you should be doing?
Joi what do you think you’re good at?
Joi how do you see yourself?
It was at that moment that I learned that it was more relaxing if I was just cool with being me. It took practice because I still didn’t have all of the answers to what was asked, but I was becoming comfortable in my own skin and learning who I was. As I continued the steep hill started feeling more like a slight incline. The 100lbs. felt lighter on my back and the mask was falling off. But I still cut a serious side-eye at someone who tries to compare me with somebody else or vice versa.
What can I say, being a work-in-progress is my life.
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