When Enough Becomes Everything

I was completely over my own shit.

Enough was enough. Enough of living outside of my purpose, enough of shrinking myself down to make others feel comfortable, enough of the past haunting me and enough of feeling inadequate. I needed peace, clarity, things that money couldn’t buy and people couldn’t give. After trying everything that I knew to try I finally went to someone that I’d tried to avoid – God.

I honestly had nothing against God I just didn’t understand the hype. I was raised in church all my life, but I never saw where it changed anyone’s life. People testified about material things that they were blessed with, but I know atheists with nice jobs and great credit scores. There were times when I wondered if God was even real or if we were we just doing something because we were taught this is what you do. If you add this amazing God with a world where bad is entertaining and good is lame with good parts, the math ain’t mathing. However, at this point I didn’t give a damn. I laid my cards on the table and asked God, “What is it about you – what’s the hype exactly? Why is it so imperative that I have you in my life? How am I going to hear your answer? If you tell me that, I’ll be Intentional about getting life right including starting a relationship with You.”

I was desperate to get things right in my life. They say there’s nothing more powerful than a changed mind and I guess they were right because It was at that point the beginning of something real and transformative happened.

I can’t even give you a timeframe, but out of the blue, brought on by nothing I could physically see or hear  the world started to look and feel different. I was cool with the things in my life that worried me. The outcome that initiated the worry is still unknown, but for reasons beyond my comprehension, I was cool about it. I started developing a hunger for more than my normal. My normal being my perspectives of how I looked at my life, the people in it and various experiences.

This newness isn’t just about life’s uncertainties because my friendships are starting to hit different. The conversations are feeling insignificant, I love to see them, but I don’t necessarily have to hang out with them. I even started questioning their existence in my space. Are they good for me?  Do they challenge me to be better? Are they adding to me or subtracting from me? Yet, at one point this relationship and all of its entities were fulfillment for me. It was good times and big laughs, and for some parts it still is. But lately the interactions feel a lot like wearing shoes that hurt my feet. I can wear them, I can look good in them and all the things, but I’d just would rather not.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but for the first time I don’t feel the need to. There’s a calm I can’t quite explain which is not the ending I expected, but perhaps it’s not the ending at all – maybe it’s the beginning I never saw coming.